The humper...

     Children, this is the story about how I met "the humper."  This one is actually the ex boyfriend's favorite.  Hope you enjoy it!

DISCLOSURE: THIS IS NOT APT FOR MINORS.  MY ACCOUNTS ARE REAL AND VERY EXPLICIT.  PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.

     I don't remember the exact date I met the dude, but it was one of the tinder guys.  Can't remember his name, probably shouldn't even disclose it because I could get in trouble if I become famous (which OBVIOUSLY is going to happen).  Joseph (the GBF) was out doing something (probably at the Fuse or at the legendary pool party where everyone fucked everyone/everything), and I was at his apartment alone.  I arranged to meet the humper and just chill.  This guy was a tad persistent; he freaked me out but not in a psycho killer kind of way... more in a "I'm super needy" kinda way.  It didn't faze me; apparently I like weird.

     In his weirdness, he turns out to actually have a great personality.  He's ok looking (not my best), on the shorter side (probably my height), and from Jordan (disclosing countries because Onix once called me the UN and I need you to understand why)... Had a cute accent and all.  We talked for quite a while about music, video editing and photography (he's a photographer and a videographer at his church).  Now here's the thing, before I agreed to meet guys, I always wrote the saaaame shit: "I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU."  I was ALWAYS lying.  This was kinda/sorta... Actually, I'll just finish the story and you'll decide if this was the exception or not.

     So the guy butters me up with a solid conversation and tons of laughs... He sits next to me, approaches me, and kisses me.  No fireworks; it was pretty bad.  I could've stopped, but I'm very giving and just decided to proceed... maybe he was better with his penis.  The making out gets intense (I'm thinking that I'm ready to fuck because the kissing is drying up my vagina).  He proceeds to unbutton his pants...

I say: "Hey, do you have condoms? If not I can get one."

He says:  "No, that's alright."

I go:  "What do you mean?"

He says:  "We're not having sex."

I go:  "... oh... kay..."

     By this point I'm like... "ah fuck..."  What happened next, blew my mind.

THE MOTHERFUCKER STARTED TO HUMP ME!!!

     You know the dogs you see trying to get it on... the ones that always fail to dunk it and just shoot aimlessly... that's what was going on.  The guy is full on humping the shit out of me.  I shit you not, I'm just fucking speechless.  He's moaning and apparently enjoying himself and I'm under him trying to understand WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  I'm silent. still. stiff... and this dude is humping like it's a matter of life and death.

     In the whole process of trying to understand what was going on, I offer to take off my pants.  He celebrates this small victory! YES!  I'm thinking, ok... I guess we ARE fucking.  WRONG!  He humps me while I'm in my underwear and he's in his... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??? 

     I offered to suck him off and he was fine with that.  He came, and that was it.

     A couple of weeks later he contacts me and asks me:  "So, when are we meeting again?"  He goes on, "I know you had a great time."  I'm thinking to myself, "Were we in the same place?"  and proceeded to ignore him because honesty would've been a hard blow... as mean as I might be sometimes, I never do it intentionally.  

The end.

PS.  I knew I had said I was going to write on a weekly basis but part of the healing process is going with the flow and writing when I need to.  To add on to this, I'm still devastated.  The at&t guys were here installing new and awesome internet and I was crying during the ENTIRE process.  It's ok though, cuz my ex posted a picture and declared that he was having a blast last night... I guess that's my cue to start having a blast as well.  I'll get over it... I'll move on.  He's not a bad guy; I hurt him and these were the consequences.  He doesn't love me enough to fight through it and that's alright, because one day someone will.  I thought he was the one, but like my friend Alex said: "There is no one, there are many ones." 

-Angie