Still saying goodbye...

The thing is, when you're saying goodbye to the love of your life, it's not necessarily going to be an exact science.  Yeah, you assume that after that last conversation you're done.  You're not going to write to that person anymore... oh, but you're so wrong.  The urge is unbearable.  So you meet him again because there are still some of his stuff at your place...  And he calls before he arrives: "I'm on my way."  And you tell yourself you're okay, but your stomach is churning... all of a sudden you feel extremely sick, you start sweating, you start shaking... you're going to see him for the first time after you broke up.  Should I just stay in?  Should I not talk to him?  What do I do?  And everything goes exactly how you didn't expect it to go.  He's calm and serene, and his tranquility overcomes all of your nervousness.  And you both hug, and you admit that you miss each other, and furthermore, that you still love each other.  And it's the first time he's said it since you broke up.  And when you hug him, it's so hard to breathe... it's hard to breathe because you don't want to cry, and because it's the first time there's been a break from the horrible nightmare you've been living in for the past week.  And you smell him and it hurts so much because it smells like home... And you're crumbling inside but there's a moment of hope.  You talk like you used to talk when you were together... You joke around and make fun of each other.  You joke about the situation, and for a second you think everything is going to be alright.  You truly believe that no matter what happens, whether you get back together or not, everything will be fine.  So you say goodbye but there's a hint of hope in that goodbye...   

But then it's tomorrow... and tomorrow you keep pretending that everything will be alright, and you're met with the reality... Nothing will ever be the same.  And you go back and forth between anger, denial, depression, and you're trying to negotiate your way back to him, but there's no going back...   So here you are... writing.

And you're writing because you're exhausted.  You're writing because you're frustrated.  You're writing because you want to move on, but you're writing because the thought of it makes you feel guilty.  You're writing because he told you not to wait for him.  You're writing because you're no longer the woman he wants to marry... and it's killing you... and instead of self-harming with alcohol, casual hookups, and maybe even illegal drugs, you're trying to face your emotions head on.

And I'm tired... I'm so, so tired of feeling so much.  But the thing is, you will still be saying goodbye as long as you love him and there's nothing you can really do about that... 

-Angie